she listened to me and looked me in the eyes

i see her looking right through me

after i told what happened

i saw tears coming out from her dark brown eyes

.

nobody ever cried for me like that before

she understood the painful journey i been through with just words

she held me, feeling bad that i had to go through such a tough time

..

it felt even more painful to see her cry than explaining my heartbreaking situation without breaking down

i can’t believe she would empathise someone like me

she looked so hurt when she found out i harm myself and i been in such a dark place

.

it felt heartbreaking to see her like that

she told me why should i rely on someone for my own happiness

she’s such a good person

..

she knew there was something wrong to me and reached out

she didn’t want anyone to go through heartbreaks like she did

she really deserve better

i hope one day she finds someone who treats her like she was their everything

im so grateful for her

i still cry when im with you

i look through our old photos to reminisce you

i want to go back to those happy days

.

i saw you hide our photos in your phone

you wouldn’t let me check your phone

you won’t take the initiative to hold my hand

you don’t post me anymore

you won’t tell me anything about your life

.

i can’t help but overthink, so much

do you have someone else in your life

are you cheating on me again

are you going to put in more effort than before

are you hiding me from your other hoe

are you lying to me all the time

why don’t you tell me everything

.

fuck me im so broken

i can’t stop all these thoughts

im scared you would leave me because i breakdown, cry and overthink everyday

i became so low

you became everything i didn’t want you to be

i became everything i didn’t want me to be

..

im sorry for overthinking

our relationship isn’t as transparent as before

i have thoughts of letting you go

but i know if i did, you wouldn’t come back to me anymore

i can’t bare the thought of you being with someone else

i want you so badly that it hurts

it hurts you not being with me anymore

…

you don’t care about me like how you used to

you don’t miss me like how you used to

you don’t love me like how you used to

evErYTHing cHAnged

…

I’m so scared

I’m so sorry

I’m so sad

….

please text me

please talk to me about everything

please hold my hand

please reassure me everyday

please don’t ever let me go

please make me trust you again

please put in effort in us

please don’t hide anything from me

please help me

im sorry for everything

i want to know about your day and everything that happened

listening to your calming voice makes me feel warm

.

so many things happened while you’re not here, i want to explain to you all the details

i want to tell you everything i did through out the day

a relationship where you decide to put in your own effort and not because someone else asked you to

.

now it’s sounds like you don’t really care

it doesn’t matter if i got stared at by some old man

it doesn’t matter if i got drunk or vomit

it’s like you don’t even bother why i’m drinking and sleeping so late everyday

..

I want to tell you why am I like this but it sounds like you’re so unbothered

It makes me want to keep things to myself again

You’re busy talking to your friends while you’re on the phone with me

it hurts me that you didn’t even stop and talk to me

…

I wanted to see if things changed or can work out during this one week

but it seems like nothing changed

…

i love you so much but im so tired

im tired being the only one putting effort, having false hope and believing everything will get better

im tired. I really threw out every single energy I have into our relationship

im tired that no one knows i hurting everyday every moment

im sad that you couldn’t see the amount of love and effort i put into our relationship

…

i couldn’t eat properly everyday

i couldn’t fall asleep anymore,overthinking

i go out to drink, that seems like the only way to stay happy

i vomit my food if i eat

i start to tear up thinking about you

….

i don’t think i can hold on any longer

i’m going to be done with all of this

i’m so tired of everything

i love you so deeply

shut up and sleep

Shut Up And Sleep

sHut up and sLEeP

.

i love you

now i start to wonder did you ever? or was it a dream

.

i miss you

will i be able to ever let you go? slip out my of hand when i have a choice to hold you again?

.

im sorry

im not the person who can make you loyal and you have to think twice if you wanted to be with me

.

im sad

i want to be the only person you’ve love the most but…

yOu wouldn’t haVe donE it Right if you loved me?

..

i can’t forget, please don’t blame me. don’t get mad at me for constantly bringing it up. it always there, it wouldn’t leave me.

i feel the urge to dig my nails under my skin

this uneasy pAINful love i have for this person

the person i claimed to be the LOve of mY LiFE

disgusted angry sad disappointed

its so painful, its hurting everywhere over my body

its tainted and toxic

your arms you used to put around me has been all over someone else body

your heart-shaped lips you kissed me with has landed on someone else lips

its all so dirty now.

i hate all of these

but i can’t stop loving you after seeing your

voice

smell

face

eyes

12 days, 2 hours, 22 minutes

it was the start of our break to until the day you told me what you did

it broke mE

i cRiED in the shower, thinking what i could have done to stop that

what was done was already done

i just have to accept and overcome this traumatizing pain